lock and load.

the rest of my lifee.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 02:20:53 GMT

Wow, its been 3890480934809348093483 months since I've updated this shit.

I'm currently in a relationship with john wayne gilbert, the one and only.
Metal Embrace 4 got shut down by cops last friday. ("fuck the po po!"), me and John arrived fashionably late, (10:20 or something)right after it happened. Henry Hollen tells us that they zoomed in the place like they were bustin' a goddamn methlab. We took him home.
The vocalist for Kingtank? went to jail.
Moved out of my moms house, moved in with dad, moved back out of dads house and into moms house.

(I will never stop living out of suitcases and boxes)

fin, iguess.

oh wow.

Fri, 30 May 2008 23:43:22 GMT

you're stupid as hell.

fuck a park.

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:19:53 GMT

I'm really sick :[

Rapid Recovery.

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:08:23 GMT

So I took some pretty interesting pipe pictures under a black light, they'll be up whenever I find my camera cord.
I went and hung out at Beans.
I love her momma!
Jazza Razza needs to come to clay county, soon.
And I am eating a Manwhich.
I AM A MAN!

I am soooo tired, I hate intersessionnnnn.
But it means that I'm a junior, so fuck yeah.
Two years and I'll be graduating?!?!?!? What the fuck.
Cosmo school, here I fucking come.

FLIP just said I was cute, but only because I called him cute, even though he won't admit it.
Why do people now call him FLIP?
I was just always used to calling him jac.

In other news,
-I am now taking Hoodia.
-Me and Tyler walk at the park a few miles almost everyday.
-My BFF has a job at Mcdonalds and hooks me up with free Mcflurries, and my other friend gives me extra oreos.
-I am getting my hair cut short again, and getting double monroes.
-I HATE INTERSESSION.
-The new Radiohead is amazing, you should really listen to it.
-I haven't hung out in London or Corbin or anywhere except Clay County in a very long time, sorry to anyone who thinks I'm ignoring them. I'm just trying to work my ass off in school.
-Mom got a letter for my "placement" [uh oh.?]

But yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
At least RR starts at 9 and not 8,right?

nature. legs. ouch.

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 01:53:01 GMT

So today me and Tyler went and walked in the park, and he took me driving.
And bought me a milkshake, mmmmm.
My daddy called today and told me his friend was selling a '98 blue Mustang, and that he would sell it to me for $3500, which isn't bad at alll.
It has a new paint job, and a new everything. He said we would work something out.

In other news, MY GUMS ARE INFLAMED!
And it hurts when I brush my teef and they always end up bleeding :(
And I have white spots on a few of my teef, which could lead to cavaties. Ugh.
BUT, I get my braces off in 6-8 months! WOOOOO!

I seen Denise at the park today, and also a few i'm-so-pretty- girls and one i'm-so-hardcore-i-listen-to-job-for-a-cowboy-and-drop-dead little boy.
(Who, follows his BFF [who has now moved to Flo-town] but now sadly doesn't have anyone else to look up to.)
EAT ON IT.

I am now again very much single because I truly cannot have feelings for anyone but you. It's just not the same.
And that is very shitty, and very confusing, considering I don't even want you back at all, and if you were on fire I wouldn't spit or piss to put you out, and if you were laying in the street bleeding to death I wouldn't even look your way.

SUCK IT.
fin.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 01:03:15 GMT

WHATTHEFUCKEVER.

RAWR.

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:53:47 GMT

Today was shitty, times 10. The only good part about it was Chad Hacker.
But other than that, just shitty. Because of you, and you know who you are. No names mentioned, but it applies to you all the same. Where do you come up with this shit?
We've been BFFs since before time,
and all the sudden you can't fucking stand me?

I don't get it,
but you're breaking my heart.
And that is rare.

Me and Tyler went out today. It felt good.
Minus the bitches in the 'tang.

BLAH.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 01:51:27 GMT

Busy weekend, chyea.
Eric came over [who's eric?!] and I tried to get Chad to, but he had no ride :(
I got maybe 2 hours of sleep and Courtney didn't get any. Then today I went to the machine and it was alright.
We went to london for STARRRBUCKSSS. and it was very good.
Then after that we went to like a correctional facility for like, adult women, and they all had problems with drugs/money/family/relationships/addiction and it was very interesting.
They were talking about you have to forgive people, everyone. Like its a christian place, and I have never have or never will believe in any of that; so I always feel fucking out of placeee. But they were talking about how you have to forgive and forget, and they said to think of one person that you swore you would never forgive, and forgive them. And the only person I could think of was whats-his-face.
I'm not an easy forgiver, nor an easy forgetter.
You would think after six months of barely speaking to the fucker that I would be alright.
But nooo..not this time.
I'm very strong and I don't stay down long at all, but this times a different story.

I feel very odd.

52DEGREES.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 21:00:42 GMT

Me and Tyler just got through walking at the park.
Over two miles,bb!
I should be spending the night with Courtney tonight, but shes gay.
I called and Mama L. said to call back later.

I'm trying to think of a way to see Chad.

BEEBYE.
FIN.

hollywooood.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 02:14:24 GMT

SO I haven't wrote in this for a while but whatever, right?
I came back home for good Jan. 11, supposed to be 10th; but fjsakl.
Things have been going pretty good, I've been single now for a while and haven't gotten laid in forever. :[

Things have changed since before I left, and I really hate it :\
I mean I know I'm lucky to be back, but damnnnn. Do people really forget about other people that easy?? Like, is it normal? Shoot me in the goddamn face.
Me and my mom have been doing okay, lately. We haven't been fighting near as much; which is good. Me and Tyler are BFF and haven't fought in forever, even though he always tells me hes going to send me back off. Haaa!

It's a Friday night and I'm painting my room.
...WHATTHEFUCK!
Usually, before I left, on Friday nights around this time I would usually be staggering around half-naked with redeyes and smile on my face.

Oh well.
I'm not half-naked with redeyes right now,
But I have a semi-smile on my face :O

I have pretty much figured out who is a real friend and who isn't,
and its VERY interesting.
I don't have to mention names, but its for you, and if you're wondering "is it me?" then it probably is.
WE'RE SICK OF ALL YOUR TOUGHGUY SHIT.

That is all.
FIN!

!$!#@!#@!

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:06:59 GMT

So me and Kacey broke up. He found out a few things that I did that night I ran away. [nobody knows but kimmy.] I don't know how he found out, but he did. So we argued and broke up. And I don't even miss him at all :]

Things have been sucky around him, yesterday Loyd put his finger in my face, and all hell broke lose.

Because I don't give a shit who you are, you don't do any of the following physical things to me, because I really fucking can't stand it.
1.] Get in my face.
2.] Put your finger in my face.
3.] Yell at the top of your lungs at me.
4.] Slam a door in my face. [ooohhh mannnn.]
5.] Talk to me like I'm stupid.
6.] Talk to me like im on a lower level than you.
Avoid doing these, for the safety of your health. These are what I call CROSSING THE LINE, and you may cross everyone else's line, but certainly not mine. k?

Moving on. My social worker isn't making ANY of this any easier. She needs to stop lying on me, and making it seem like I am the devil. Its very aggravting and very sad when you try and try and try and try to make everything right and get on a decent path, but then someone who is supposedly "helping" you, tries to fuck up every opportunity that you get.
But I guess the longer I'm in care, the happier she is. Since I am not a human being to her, all she sees when she looks at me are added numbers to her paycheck. But kelseykiller is mos definetly NOT stupid, and knows exactly what shes trying to do.

Joyce is hitting 18 the 27th, and WOW is all I can say. Everybody's like, "blah blah when you turn 18 you just wish you were 14 again" or "blah blah turning 18 isn't that big of a deal".
Well, to a kid in foster care, it IS a big deal. A BIIIIGGGG FUCKING DEAL.
To anyone else turning 18 is just WOW I CAN BUY MY OWN CIGARETTES NOW!@#@#
But to a foster kid, its like WOW NOW I CAN ACTUALLY TALK TO MY PARENTS WHENEVER I WANT AND CAN WALK OUTSIDE WITHOUT BEING WATCHED LIKE A HAWK AND WOWWW NOW I DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING SENT FROM PLACE TO PLACE AND DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FOSTER CARE!@2#@#@
So yeah, get it.
Sadly, I have a long 2 and a half years until I hit 18. And if I go home, if i messed up anything, such as having low grades, or getting in a fight, its "Welp,! Back to whitley county or danville or whereever the fuck we decide to send this kid!" And it fucking sucks.
I'm tired of being the system's little bitch. And being thrown around from place to place like a ragdoll, or being talked down to like you're an animal.
I now have every right to hate the government. But I won't parade it around, I'll keep it. Because I'm not stupid.
And now they're trying to get me to recommit, which means, if I stay in care until I turn 18, when i DO turn 18, I have the choice to stay in care until im 21.
They're trying to persuade me with their little intelligent persuading abilities. ["you would get a free car, and free college and everything!@121"]
Well save it, dumbass. Because I'm getting my own car, thank you, and going to school without your help.
So fuck staying in care till im 21, that would be like slitting my own throat and smacking my whole family and all my friends in the face.
I'm not down with that, ya heard?

But just let it be a lesson or something to you, that if you THINK you can do whatever you want, reguardless of WHAT your parents say, you really, really can't. [AHHH IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME!!!! Shut the fuck up, moron. Yes it will.]
And all these wonderful 17 year olds always give me the, "im 17, they can't do shit to me!!" bullshit.
17 isn't 18, dollface. They CAN and WILL get you.
I'm not a preacher, and I'm not preaching, but its the straight up TROOF.

It's 10:59. A few more hours to go. English is next, then algebra, then civics.

Im kicking civic's ass, but algebra and english can suck my dick.

Field trip to the Atom Museum tomorrow, ["it should be interesting."] It probably won't be.

PS, ANYONE WANNA HANG OUT?
I'm going home for xmas break from Dec. 21st - Jan. 6th.
If anyone wanna get at me, call 606 596 0506 or 606 599 8724.

And if you wanna know my f-house#, 606 549 9115.
But of course they won't let me talk. Because Kacey told my social worker that I was high all the time, so they drugtested me, but i PASSED. So baahah. Point 1 for killer. Fuck him.
So basically, I've been clean since September 18th.
Take that, mohawk man.
You're not so cool.

fin.

mad as fuck.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 16:07:02 GMT

SO i haven't looked at this shit in a long time and its weird. memories are sad, srsly.

but listen to this shit! me and kimmy ran away bahahhahahah and got caught,she got put in b-ville childrens home and i got put in another home in williamsburg, again. but i went crazy and they had to move me from there so i got sent to danville for a little while. whatttt? then uhhh i got put in whitley county again [whadddaupwiththat?] so yeah. shit sucks. i got to go home for spanksgiving and danielle and saundra came and seen me but refused to get me high cause drugtesting sucks.
but anyway.
yeah, im still friends with HIM.
I got engaged in october and we're going strong.
kacey baumgarder,ya heard? what happens when i go back to cc, fuck if i know.
i want to go back, but its like i can't just pack up and leave kacey.
We might be expecting another little killerbaumgardner on the way, kelseykiller's been breeding like the rabbits and might be speghetti sauce, if you catch my driFF.

I have been working my ass off at whitley co. high. extra credit can suck a dick. The only thought that makes me want to wake up in the mornings and do shit, is kacey, and going HOME. It's motivation, ya heard? I talked to crissy the other night on the phone and it made me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy because i feel like i haven't talked to her in forever. and i talked to him and yeahhhhh. [fjdksla;nocomment.]
i have done so much crazy shit over this past summer, it would take me a week and a lot of crack to be able to tell you. Sadly, I don't have enough time. Or enough crack. It's like I don't even remember it, like its just a blur. but a really really huge/sad/angry/happy/loved/exciting/anxious/depressed/stoned blur.

tripped balls doing shrooms for the first time over the summer.
and it was just, an experience. it was very odd and very very strange,and you have never felt or been really, actually intelligent until you have done shrooms. DOITDOIT. me, danielle,jarrod, ian, james earl, [saundra was in her room almost dying.] I was tripping and it didn't help much that they had fucking deer heads hanging up on the walls and mirrors everywhere. plus the cannibal corpse shirt that i was wearing,which had a zombie and a knife and said kill and blah blah,freaked everyone out.
advice, never look in a mirror when you're tripping balls.

but yeah i've been alright i guess.
keeping that chin up, ya heard?

State of Kentucky says,
I can't see my parents.
I can't operate machinery of ride ATVS.

And a whole lotta shit.

I've never wanted to die so much in my life.

mad as fuck.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 16:06:39 GMT

somebody shoot me. thanks.

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 15:23:33 GMT

if it makes you less sad,
i will die by your hand.
i hope you find out what you are.
i already know what i am.
and if it makes you less sad,
we'll start talking again.
you can tell me how vile,
i already know that i am.
i'll grow old and start acting my age.
i'll be a brand new day,
in a life that you hate.
a crown of gold,
a heart that's harder than stone.
and it hurts to hold on,
but it's missed when it's gone.
call me a safe bet,
i'm betting I'm not.
i'm glad that you can forgive,
only hoping as time goes,
you can forget.
if it makes you less sad,
i'll move out of the state.
you can keep to yourself,
i'll keep out of your way.
and if it makes you less sad,
i'll take your pictures all down.
every picture you paint,
i will paint myself out.
it's cold as a tomb,
and it's dark in your room,
when i sneak to your bed,
to pour salt in your wounds.
so call it quits,
or get a grip.
you say you wanted a solution,
you just wanted to be missed.
call me a safe bet,
i'm betting i'm not.
i'm glad that you can forgive,
i'm only hoping as time goes,
you can forget...
so you can forget.
you can forget.
you are calm and reposed.
let your beauty unfold.
pale white like the skin stretched over your bones.
spring keeps you ever close.
you are second hand smoke.
you are so fragile and thin,
standing trial for your sins,
holding onto yourself the best you can.
you are the smell before rain.
you are the blood in my veins.
call me a safe bet,
i'm betting i'm not.
i'm glad that you can forgive.
i'm only hoping as time goes,
you can forget.

numb.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 04:59:26 GMT

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve years I've held it all together but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to.

As if this happening wasn't enough I got to go
and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says, "Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again.)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)
And everyone's caught on to everything you do (And I can't let you, let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to (And I can't let you, let me down again)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me and JJ are over.
Most painful and complicated breakup of my life.
I'm hurt,bad.
Still in foster care.
Don't ask questions.
I won't give you answers, I won't be on here anymore.

Yes, my last post "Note To Self" was to you.
So if this one.
I love you.
Bye.

NOTE TO SELF:

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 04:56:40 GMT

I miss you terribly.
This is what we call a tragedy.
Come back to me.
Come back to me,to me.

jfks;s;da

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:38:57 GMT

im in foster care.

at this new house.

i miss my mom.
and my dad.
and my friends.

and i really really miss jj.

i love you,baby,

wait a few days.
ill be back.

you got it.

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 18:19:24 GMT

This past week has fucking sucked.
The cops were looking for JJ and my mom wasn't helping.
Im not going to sit and explain all this shit out on fucking livejournal.
I have puked and cried more this past week than I have in my entire life.
Depression hasn't hit me like this before.
I can't take it.
I'll see you soon, asshole.

i miss you.
i miss waking up next to you.
i miss fighting with you.
i miss kicking your ass all over this place.
i miss riding around with you.
i miss going to sleep with you and somehow waking up with bruises.
i miss getting high with you.
i miss listening to you ramble on about absolutely nothing.
i miss drinking with you.
i miss staying up late and talking to you.
i miss laying with you in your bed all day.
i miss fighting with old people at your house.
i miss fighting the old people OFF of my friends. [ahem, crissy P.]
i miss joking with you.
i miss your laugh.
I miss your voice.

I love you.

we're taking everyone down with us.

oh yeah, get your head out of your ass.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 21:47:04 GMT

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

wow.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 21:46:35 GMT

Community service tomorrow.
SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL!
how gay is that shit.
me and crissy got caught skipping. and then i passed out. it was really gay. they also got me for my septum which i had forgot to tuck in that day. fuck.

talk is so cheap when you're screaming at a wall.

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 21:49:05 GMT

so today was the first day of school. GAYYYY! I'm stuck with a bunch of new freshMEAT and it sucks. bad. I want to go to cambell reed or SOMETHING to get me away from them.
Homeroom all day was gay.
I have to retake earth/space science and gov/economics again.
fuckkkk.
hopefully I can get all my credits in.
school is not going to ruin my life, thats for sure.
i wont let it.
my mom said she wasn't going to let me go anywhere this weekend.
I say FUCK THAT.
I'm going with JJ.
she can go fuck herself.
she doesn't understand. fuck her. its easy for her, she can live in the same house as her boyfriend. i only get to see mine on weekends. and that sucks too. Wolfey just told me he's moving to lexington. I THINK NOT!
Dan put red in my hair yesterday. It looks crazyyyy. pictures soon?

IF YOU ATTEND REHOBOTH AND ACTUALLY LIKE IT, I ADVISE TO NOT FUCKING READ THIS. K? FUCK YOURSELF.
Rehoboth has been pissing me off a wholeeeeee lot lately. Yeah, its okay for a rehoboth kid to make out and do a bunch of other shit and his youth leader's house, but if ANYONE else was to do it, it would be all "SKANK!"
You guys need to grow up and get real. No one believes this little "i love you i care about you blah blah" bullshit.
You all are just like fucking junior high kids, you choose your "favorites" and then kick the rest to the curve. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

and YOU,
are a middle aged christian kick bitch who acts like she's a 12 year old slut. You are NOT a good example for ANYBODY, you're not the "sweetheart" everybody thinks you are, you're not the "christian woman" you want to be.
you're a dumb bitch who needs to grow up and figure your shit out before you go preaching to others what life is all about.
I could sit here all day and bitch. Theres a shitload of things I need to get off my chest. and this isn't even half of it.
You all are fake as fuck.
I would rather kill myself and rot in hell than be ANY of you dumbasses. I'm glad I never let myself fall into that, because I was smart, and I see now that you DON'T care about anybody,
You're just trying to gain some credit so you can expand you're little brainwashing, fake as fuck CULT.

And yeah, I said CULT.
GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE. KTHANKS.

amen.

you better fucking believe it.

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 20:10:37 GMT

I'm repeating the 9th grade.
Advisor/Advisee - Amanda lunsford
basic geometry - j. smith
arts+humanities - doll fields
erff/space science - mrs hurd.
algebra-a lunsford.
biology - b. cornett
gov/economics - mr reynolds
english 2 - w. lyttle

somebody shoot me in the face.
If I'm going to have to be with the dumbass 8th graders, then somebody is going to die.
FUCKKK, this sucks.
You better believe I'm kicking ass and taking names this year, sir. I'm done with taking everyone's bullshit.
advice? DON'T GET IN MY WAY.
Hopefully I can get my credits in or something.
Anyyyyything but this.
I'm not ABOUT to stare at Sheila Hurd's old face again.
But I will be delighted to sit and laugh at Reynold's "i'm so cool i wear cowboy boots and my mustache is GOD" attitude.
tchyea.

lets get drunk and ride around,
and make peace with an empty town.

fuck.

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 16:51:08 GMT

School starts tomorrow.
I have to go today and get my schedule because I didn't whenever we were supposed to. im not dreading it, i just don't want to wake up so early.
I'm missing JJ prettyyyy bad. i'm always waiting for the weekends just so i can spend time with him.
some old man stole my hairstraighener at crissys. it was weird.

last night me and danielle were supposed to hang out, but she went to the tattoo shop or something. and didn't come. thats the first time shes ever ditched me.
:[[

FUCK school.

ITS TOO EARLY. buzzzzzzzard.

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 18:46:15 GMT

so today danielle came over and jumped all over me when i was asleep. lolz.
morgan was with her.
we went to the oldpeople place and washed cars. or something.
hanging out with JJ today and crissy YAY.

I need a job.

hallelujah lock and load 2.

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 17:24:39 GMT

oh yeah ps
i love crissy danielle and jj.

:]